Why can't a boy play with a doll?
Monday, September 10, 2012 at 8:17AM 8 Comments by Michele Yulo
I came across this picture the other day on Facebook from Explorations Early Learning's page. They had picked up the photo from Flickr and added their own text, "Real men play with dolls." I couldn't help wondering what others would think of this photo. Would they find it sweet and endearing? Or would they think this little boy has no business holding a doll much less feeding it?
(photo courtesy of Sharon Pruitt)
Personally, my first thought was: What a sweet image. A young boy cradling a doll while giving it a bottle. It sparked a memory of the first time I saw my husband feed our infant daughter which was very emotional for me. Seeing a grown man hold a delicate, fragile, little being is a beautiful thing, but at the same time it can seem foreign precisely because we do not see little boys playing with dolls or taking on that kind of nurturing role in general. It's natural for women and girls to want to hold and feed a baby--that's what we say, right? Women were born to be mothers. Of course, that is a false assumption as well--just because women can give birth does not make them desire motherhood. And, unfortunately, we don't give males the benefit of taking on the role of caregiver until they have babies themselves. Then we expect them to jump right in with all of those necessary nurturing duties.
The picture also reminded me of a talk I gave at a local Atlanta charter school to a group of fourth grade girls. The school brought in a person each week who could offer something inspirational to their students. I was honored to be asked because a large part of what I do is helping to bring awareness to issues of gender especially with children. I am a firm believer that instilling compassion and tolerance in children from a young age can prevent future bullying and I knew I had an opportunity to do that with this group of girls.
After I explained to them what I did, spoke a little about Princess Free Zone and my book Super Tool Lula, I began a conversation with them about stereotyping. First I asked them if they knew what the word meant. A few tried to answer, but could only come up with some vague examples. I told them that stereotyping is when we describe a certain group of people in specific ways by making assumptions based on where a person comes from or how they look. "Essentially," I told them, "it is when we use the word all as in 'all boys play sports.'" I asked them if they were all the same because they were girls to which they nodded their heads in unison while saying, "No." They seemed to understand and agree that stereotyping was not a good thing.
Next I asked them if they thought it was okay for a boy to play with a doll. They said no. I asked them why. One girl raised her hand and said, "because dolls are for girls." I told her that was an example of stereoytping. Then I said to the group, "Let me ask you a question. Do boys grow up to be fathers?" They all said yes. I asked, "Do fathers hold their babies?" They all said yes. "Do fathers change diapers?" They all said yes. "Do fathers love their babies?" They were all looking at me now--slightly confused, definitely challenged. I then asked, "So why can't a boy play with a doll?"
The next day, the assistant principal emailed me to tell me that the girls were still talking about me and had been really affected by the discussion. I would have been happy to know that I had caused one girl to rethink gender roles.
The amazing playwright, performer, and activist Eve Ensler said: "I think the whole world has essentially been brought up not to be a girl. How do we bring up boys? What does it mean to be a boy? To be a boy really means not to be a girl. To be a man means not to be a girl. To be a woman means not to be a girl. To be strong means not to be a girl. To be a leader means not to be a girl. I actually think that being a girl is so powerful that we've had to train everyone not to be that. " Isn't this really at the core of allowing boys to play with a doll, for example? By constantly sending this message to boys that they should in no way resemble a girl, by not allowing them to show their nurturing side without denigrating their masculinity, by reminding them that being like a girl makes them less than, we are doing a great disservice to boys and men.
While Princess Free Zone primarily focuses on girls with regards to gender stereotyping, it is impossible to ignore how boys are affected by this social disease as well. In other words, in order to change the status quo on what it means to be a girl, we must also change how boys are pigeon-holed into often even stricter limitations of what it means to be male, and begin allowing them the full spectrum of being a human being. It is a two-way street. Only when both sexes can be free of these limitations will we have true change. So, go ahead, let your son play with a doll if he wants. He just might be a better man because of it.
Reader Comments (8)
I've been wanting to tell you for a while now that your blog and facebook posts are so refreshing to me. I love everything you are about. For a while I thought I was alone in my ideas about gender and that no one understood me when I'd be offended when I heard things like "he cried like a little girl" or "don't be such a girl. Be a man!" I try to explain that what if we made those same comments but replaced the gender nouns with racial ones. If it's not ok to stereotype race then why is it ok to do it with gender? I don't have children yet but when I do, I plan on buying him/her a variety toys and letting he or she decide what it wants to play with. I wouldn't even want to know it's sex before it's born to avoid friends and family saturating it in pinks and frills, or blues and sports. It's nice to know there are people like you out there fighting the unacceptable of social conformity. Thank you!
This is too long a story to type in full, but I had a father once threaten to sue me when I was the head of a private school because a photographer from the town newspaper came over the first day of school to take pictures for the paper, and in the picture they ran, his son was in the dress-up area holding a pocketbook. Yes, he had given permission for his kids to be in photos. He did not like that his son was allowed to play with girl things, and said I had humiliated him in front of the entire town, making his son look like a sissy. We have got to stop the sterotype that a girl is the worst thing you can be. GREAT post PFZ!!!
Thanks for sharing.
My four years old boy has his own doll (between many other more or less stereotypated things) and he often plays with his (older) sister and her (girl) friends at the nurture/care/feed businnes. He generally plays a father or a prince or a groom if they are role playing a princess or marriage businnes, but sometimes he wears a gown or a tiara too, if he wants too.
I don't know if it's still his adored sister influence or our parental example.
I don't know how long it will last: we too, tried to offer a wide variety of messages through clothes, games and examples, but the pressure of what society expects from girls is already known to our daughter. Sometimes I can feel the contrast between what I think is right for her and what she wants or think she wants, I've already said that. I just hope our messages will still reach somewhere inside them and be remembered.
Just a question: how could one say the little one in the picture is a boy and not a girl?
I love this post. My son, age 4, loves playing with his doll. In most respects he has very stereotypical "boy" interests: trains, cars, dinosaurs, etc. But he loves all things to do with babies, fuzzy animals, cooking, and tea parties. And he loves his doll.
I'm actually a doll maker, so perhaps that isn't so surprising, but when I gifted him a recent doll he was so excited he almost cried. He loves playing mommy both with his doll and with his two best friends. I hope he stays this oblivious to assigned roles for his whole life!
I've mentioned this in other places, but there is a wonderful short from a program called 'Free To Be You And Me', where Alan Alda reads a story called 'William Wants a Doll'. I know it's stuck with me since the 1970's, and I showed it to my daughter when she was old enough to enter school (and thus, end up playing with a wider variety of children who might not have learned the lesson already.)
She's got her share of princesses, but she also has no problem stepping outside the gender box. Nowadays, it's more construction toys and games than dolls.
When our third child was born, our then 10 year old son and 8 year old daughter provided a substantial amount of the childcare for our infant daughter. They fed her, changed her diapers, carried her and put her in her car seat. WHY NOT? Their sister was a part of the family prior to birth and deserved attention/care/love from all four of us.
Now it did un-nerve the neighbors a bit to see an 8 year old taking a less than a week old infant out for a walk in the stroller but our 8 year old & 10 year old were more careful with her than grownup relatives.
Our son was a great big brother to his little sister and continues to be a wonderful positive caretaker of her. When he grow up, I assume he will be an equally responsive and loving father -- I credit at least a part of his compassion and ability to having his own little sister and trading her doll-time for car/train time. He would play dolls and house with her in exchange for her playing trucks and cars with him. Or they would combine their play into dolls/cars/trucks/mud/water/huge mess fun.
Hi,
I work in Childcare currently I see this everyday in parents and other staff it drives me crazy to think that they are pushing their stereotypical beliefs on their children!
This story is so true the world sees it as a negative to have a sensitive boy because its "Weak" or "unmanly" and I think this is so far from the truth! Theses boy become so strong and emotionally secure!
Don't let your stereotypical beliefs influence your child's male or female!
Emily
Thank you for this. I have always encouraged my son to play 'Daddy' with his stuffed animals. He can't wait to be a dad some day and one day will make a wonderful father. I can't understand why this sort of play doesn't occur to more people?